Goodbye For Now!

Some parting words...

First Off…

When I started this little project, I wasn’t really sure what I was doing. All I knew was that I was lonely in a very specific way, and this blog was a sort of conversation I wasn’t able to have otherwise. Now, as all conversations do, I feel it has run its course. That’s not to say there won’t be another round in the future, but we have reached the comfortable silence at the end of a long, warm chat. To be honest, the man who started this Substack has been all but replaced by whoever is wrapping it up—a man who no longer feels pressured to fill the silence with words.

Soul Seekers’ Station was a companion on a transformative journey—one that has concluded just in time for the next to begin.

But before I get into that, I would like to explain the point of writing this post rather than just disappearing into the aether. As some of you might recall, I had cancer and wrote about it a little over a year ago. Now, I am in a coffee shop waiting for the confirmation on whether or not the cancer has returned—which is quite possible, but not a huge deal. If I do have cancer again, I’ll simply need another round of Mohs surgery and then I’ll go back to being cancer-free.

But it doesn’t feel like it’s not a big deal, because it’s cancer.

So instead of distracting myself from the nasty feelings this brings me, I’ve decided to lean into them, because they are valid—just not immediately so. I am going to die. This cancer won’t kill me in the near future, but the possibilities for how and when I will die are seemingly endless with one definitive answer to be delivered at a later moment. I will disrobe this body and dive into the unknown eventually—maybe even within the next 30 seconds—and forgetting that won’t help me much.

So I took some inventory on how I’m living my life and thought I’d share where I’m off to with some final insights from some men far smarter than I; after all, every good conversation needs a proper ending.

I have recently decided, after years of fantasizing about it, to pursue formal training in religious studies and philosophy. I am going to continue on my philosophical and spiritual journey through both university classrooms and the halls of monasteries. I plan on spending time with Buddhist monks, Hindu swamis, Hasidic rabbis, and Christian clergy, as well as being trained to parse primary sources properly.

I’m a shit student, but even if I fail, I understand what I am to do with my life now.

What To Do With My Life Now (feat. Søren Kierkegaard, Augustine of Hippo, & Jigten Sumgön)

When it comes to finding out what to do with my life, I first refer to Kierkegaard. Kierkegaard was the first great philosopher I came across when I was in the absolute depths of despair. Dude totally saved me. He speaks of despair as something to be confronted as a path to meaning and freedom. To run toward it, lest we spend our lives cowering from it.

Through examining our despair, the answer to our personal search for purpose is revealed, and our lives become defined by our relationship with what we find.

I found spiritual reality, and whatever it is I call God. I saw suffering in a new way, and I found myself as someone who only feels right when working to alleviate the struggles of others, working on my soul’s relationship to the Divine, or a mix of both. This new round of painful emotion reminded me of what I’ve known for some time now; that the life I want to live is one of karma yoga, or reaching God by serving humanity.

This path has a vast variety of appearances.

Augustine spoke about how our desire works like a gravitational force, and our tension between being spiritual and material. Wherever we aim our hearts is where we end up. He spoke of the Heavenly City and the Earthly City. To live in the Heavenly City is a life of virtue and clarity; the Earthly City is a confused, messy flux where the fleeting reigns supreme. Knowing myself, I understand that if I forget to aim my heart toward what’s good and true, I will inevitably lose myself in confusion and despair. I am not following my dreams here because they are enticing, but because they are right.

There is one problem, however: I do not fit into any religion.

The Heavenly City has many ZIP codes, and I don’t fully qualify as a resident of any neighborhood. If I want to aim at God, I’m disqualified from doing so from any religious vocation. I can rest my heart in the Heavenly City, but I can’t don robes and join a brotherhood that will travel with me. So I figured that I am to serve and seek, and I’ll settle when I’m either dead or slammed with absolute truth.

In the meantime, I have gurus.

From Plotinus and Aquinas to Shakyamuni and Zhuangzi, I’m in good hands. I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I realized that I’m an ethics-first kind of guy, so I’m gonna lean into my Bodhisattva vow and live a life that’s good until I figure out what’s fully true. What’s the point of doing anything if I’m not being a mensch about it?

So I’ve decided to follow Jigten Sumgön, the founder of the Drikung Kagyu school.

He held that all Buddhist teachings point to a single intention: to spiritually awaken for the sake of all sentient beings. For Jigten Sumgön, everything is aimed towards this goal or mistakenly away from it. To have this intention along one’s path is to ensure their steps go in the right direction. I find a guiding star oriented towards altruism for all to be morally satisfactory.

My latest interaction with my mortality has truly helped me find assurance in the life I want to live, and I won’t stop living it until I’m dead.

A Few More Things

I’m going to change my Substack name and profile picture so I can go anonymously into this next adventure. I’m one Google search away from people asking me a lot of questions about my personal history and views. I’ll leave my stuff up for whoever’s interested, and I may even return at some point if I have something to say.

But more important than all that: you guys.

I want to thank you guys for reading, engaging, supporting, and pushing back. You guys are awesome. Some of you I’ve known for years, some of you I’ve befriended through this venture, but all of you guys are the best. Much love to you all, and I mean that most sincerely. May whatever comes next be full of blessings and lessons for all of us!

Namaste and l’chaim,

-Gabe

---