Why To Fear The Turtle
Touching upon the inherent religiosity of being
A little background…
Recently, I visited my brother at The University of Maryland (UMD). Busy with school but a good host, he invited me to join him during his study sessions at the university’s main library. That day, he read about evolutionary biology while I read about Tibetan tantra. As we sat on the McKeldin Library balcony on the UMD campus, I looked down and spotted something irreverently… reverent.
Outside McKeldin Library, there is a 300-pound bronze turtle statue—or more accurately, a diamondback terrapin. That's the school’s mascot, Testudo. This particular statue has been around since 1933, and currently resides outside the main campus library on a raised platform. From there, the beloved mascot smiles upon the glory of his great campus kingdom.
“So what?” I hear you ask…
As I glanced down from the balcony toward the entrance to the library, I saw a girl approaching Testudo. The girl stood before him as if their meeting were solemn official business. She placed a small Starbucks coffee next to Testudo, rubbed his nose with urgency, whispered a silent prayer to him, and left. The coffee remained, resting between a package of birth control and a ten-dollar bill.
Then another student arrived and did something similar. And another. Guys, from that balcony, I witnessed literally dozens of people praying to that turtle, paying nasal respects, and leaving gifts that wouldn’t do your average bronze turtle much good. All that was missing was the turtle popping communion wafers into their mouths.
It then dawned on me: this is no longer a gimmick. What started as a massive inside joke has now taken on the form of a proto-religion. And seeing as we have Scientology, the tuition for UMD only makes this the second most expensive religion around.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Terrapinism!
Okay, bear with me, fellas. I personally define religion with the three B’s: belief, behaviors, and belonging. That's also the premise I build on when I discuss religion.
That being said, let’s see what the experts at defining things have to say, just for good measure.
Merriam-Webster has multiple definitions for religion in their dictionary. Here are two:
1. A personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices
2. The service and worship of God or the supernatural
As we’ve already established, there’s a ritualistic attitude and tradition towards Testudo, going back nearly a century. Due to the nature of Terp (UMD students) prayers, it’s safe to say that Testudo is a fortune deity. Furthermore, his primary temple is a library, suggesting he is also a god of knowledge. Therefore, the second definition requiring a deity to worship is already fulfilled.
The first definition matches the ‘belief’ and ‘behavior’ elements of the three B’s. Seeing that the student body is the ‘belonging’ portion, we should hit all of our criteria if Terrapinsm passes the Merriam-Webster test.
“But what about that system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices?” I’m glad you asked!
Like many religious communities, UMD has a prescribed purpose and creed. The values section of the website says:
The University of Maryland is a community of individuals living and working together to support and advance the educational and research mission of the institution.”
It then lists its virtues for the Terps to embody: united, respectful, secure and safe, inclusive, accountable, empowered, and open to growth.
These values are also posted and preached ad nauseam all over campus so nobody forgets, alongside slogans like “Fear the turtle.” So, the purpose of life in the Kingdom of Testudo is apparent, and how Terps should conduct themselves is clearly defined. Ergo, Merriam-Webster’s first definition has also been fulfilled–and you know the dictionary is gospel.
All three B’s have been accounted for.
But now the obvious question remains…
“Why should anyone give a singular damn about this?” Well…
To answer that, we’re going to touch on an idea prominent in Western Esotericism: egregores. Mark Stavish, an occultist author who writes about the topic, defines it this way:
"An egregore is essentially a kind of group mind that is formed when people come together with a common purpose. It is a psychic entity created and maintained by collective thought, emotions, and activities, which then gains a certain level of autonomy and can exert influence back upon the group."
Put simply, this means that Testudo, through collective belief and action, has become a real spiritual entity. The UMD student body collectively believed in, formed, interacted with, and breathed metaphysical life into Testudo through Starbucks and contraception offerings. In an inverse of how God breathed life into Adam through divine action, students breathed spiritual life into Testudo by taking a joke too far. There’s more to the concept, but in short, the turtle has become a minor god—a real one, if you buy the concept of egregores.
“A god?”
Yes, a god. Lowercase G, of course. Egregores are interesting because they manifest through us. Testudo is not a creator god, but a created god. The idea of gods and other entities receiving power through our belief and actions is not unique to the concept of egregores, spanning millennia and continents.
In ancient Rome, personal gods known as Lares and Penates watched over families, their homes, and their personal possessions in exchange for offerings and prayers. The Kami of Shinto tradition also increase in involvement and strength if given the proper respect and reverence of the community. It’s worth noting that Kami, Lares, and Penates are not created by thought and therefore are not egregores, but comparative theology is still worth examining.
If the concept is true, there’s a god younger than the invention of bubble gum currently ruling over a tiny college town in Maryland, granted life and power from a superstitious student body while doling out fortune in return. Incurring his wrath will imperil your educational career. Pleasing him reduces the need to study. Beyond academic success and maybe some athletic or social aspects, I don’t think Testudo’s power has expanded into extracurricular life. Students haven’t given enough belief to the reptilian deity to grant him sway over affairs such as life, death, and health. We leave that sort of thing to Jesus, Ram, and our insurance companies.
“If true, does this matter in the slightest?”
In short, no. Short of some sort of apocalypse bringing us back to folk religion and tribalism, I can’t see Terrapinism developing or expanding too far as a religion. That being said, the Old Bay incense offerings would be delightful. The thought of tribal frat boys is slightly less charming. But in this scenario, I could see Testudo becoming a larger, more successful deity if the UMD student body won turf wars and expanded, bringing their half-shelled god with them.
So what am I even getting at?
I guess this was just interesting to me that no matter what people do, it ultimately ends up becoming religious. Our post-Enlightenment world is skeptical and claims to be secular. Especially in universities, we claim that we don’t need religion, that we’ve evolved past it.
But nah.
In each of us, there’s that special something. Whether you call it consciousness, a soul, Atman, or some other thing, there is an innate spiritual element to human nature. If you try neglecting that truth about yourself, it won’t go away. You may worship money, sex, bronze turtles, or celebrities, but you’ll certainly find something. So, find something good. Otherwise, you may land in practices or ideas you haven’t truly thought through.
You may stand in the streets protesting things you know nothing about. You may make mortal enemies for reasons you don’t understand. You may find yourself rubbing the face of a metallic turtle, whispering sweet nothings about your physics exam. The sky’s the limit when you delve into spirituality, but investigating your beliefs keeps you grounded.
This was entirely too entertaining.
This was a very thought provoking and funny read. Us humans are weird!